I feel like CRAP! Jim's hoping I'm not getting sick again. I think it's just stress. Hospice took over Granny's care yesterday. I have to decide wether or not to take my kids over to see her before the end. I've asked how she was mentally, and was told "about the same". That's not real good. That means at least half the time she is 'talking out of her head'. She thinks my Uncle (her oldest son) is her husband. And Uncle Dewaine's girlfriend, who has been caring for her right beside him for months now, is "that hussy who's sleeping with my husband".

I went over last week and she didn't know her youngest son to call him by name. My kids have seen her when she's been in and out of it, but the last time they saw her she was having a good day. Do I really want their last memories of her to be not knowing who they are? I was going to take them today, but I had to take a nap and my stomach felt like it was going to revolt on me. So I made the meeting with Admissions at Edison College, and that was it. I'm going to bed early (well, early for me) tonight too. If nothing changes between now and in the morning, we'll go over and just stay for a little while. Mom really thinks the kids should have a chance to say goodbye, but they won't know it's goodbye until after we leave. I'm not telling them "Granny is dying so say what you want to now!" They know Granny's been sick. They've heard me and Jim talking about her being gone. They've seen their Daddy holding me when I cried about Granny.

I think I'm just going to take them over like a normal visit, and after we get home reiterate that she's really sick and that we don't know how long she'll be with us. I might tell them that the doctors don't think she'll be here very much longer. That she'll be with Jesus and Grandaddy and the rest of the family who have gone before her. We've tried to sheild them without sheltering them, if that makes any sense. I don't want them to wake up and all of a sudden Granny is just GONE!

I'm afraid if I tell them beforehand that Tori and James will be so upset that it will upset Granny and make it worse for everyone concerned. You really don't know what Laine is thinking/feeling a lot of times. He's quieter about things like that than the other two. I don't know if they have told Granny that we called Hospice in and that she's dying. I don't know if she's lucid enough to comprehend it if she has been told.

There's a heck of a lot that I just don't know right now.